by Patrick Bailey
3. Wish Everyone Success
Because someone else is a success, even if they are someone you don't particularly like, this doesn't mean that the world is an unfair place or that you are a failure because of this other person's success. That's not sound logic.
When I go into a library and see all the books, I think to myself, "A whole lot of people, just like me, wrote a whole lot of books. I'm impressed!" They had their problems, their concerns, their disappointments, but they managed to overcome them. I celebrate them! When I see a good movie, I marvel at how many people were able to come together and finish such a masterpiece. It can happen. People just like you are doing it. This is not something to envy or resent, this is something to inspire you. These people are your inspirations. Admire them for what they have accomplished and you will find that you will want to join in the game. Some days it will seem all you can do is to get to the grocery store, but these people had to go to the grocery store too. They are human. Maybe you can't be Michelangelo but you can marvel at him and his work and you can be proud of him. He was human, just like you.
Competition is confused as a value when it is simply a function. Competition is a way to determine winners and losers in a very real way but in a very limited way. Economists talk about competition as if it were some sort of divine grace that sets the world right and leads to human progress. They bemoan the backwardness of cultures like ancient India and China where many scientific advances were first invented but were stifled by traditional values. These countries stagnated and "fell behind in the race" and were eventually ripe pickings for more industrialized nations. Competition is presented in theory as a sort of cleansing of the old ways which are not conducive to the accumulation and the dissemination of wealth. It is even presented as a human value, since it encourages each person to strive their hardest in order to be rewarded in the marketplace of life.
I don't put any philosophical or human value on the function of competition. It does its job of ranking people but its ranking mechanism is not inclusive enough of the human spirit to be meaningful. It needs to be separated from human dignity and worth which it has nothing to do with in the first place.
In our schools we have competition both scholastically and athletically as well as in countless other social ways like how well the students dress or what kind of neighborhood they live in. A student learns early that he is going to be judged for a lot of things that he does not have any control over, like the socioeconomic status of his parents, for example. The problem with competition is that it leads directly to judging other people by an arbitrary standard. It does not take into consideration the whole person but simply that facet of their life that has been declared "in competition" with others. It makes very little sense if one examines it closely.
When I disparage competition, I am not saying that I don't think that it's possible to be a success or a failure. I do think that you can succeed or you can fail. But I think that the way you succeed or fail, the method of judging, should not be in competition with others, but in competition with yourself. If your better nature is dominating your life, you are in the winner's circle. If you are using people and shutting out the love in your life, you are one hell of a loser, no matter what kind of house you live in.
I was a fat child and I never exceled in sports. I was pitiful on the playing field since I couldn't run any faster than the old nun who was our grade-school teacher. I was always the last picked when the student "jocks" chose up teams. I was a failure because of my physical body and my lack of speed and coordination. It was a humiliating experience to fail when I had no tools in the medium of chosen competition to use. But the problem didn't end there. The fact that I did poorly in sports relegated my social life to the "outsider" group, a small body of individuals considered unfit to be seen with or to befriend. Harsh treatment for someone who just was unlucky enough not to be born with athletic skills. Perhaps this is why I am not thrilled with the idea of competition being a humane value in life.
But that doesn't mean that I don't know what success can be or should be. I actually consider myself lucky that I had that experience. Had I been a gifted athlete, I would have had lots of friends but I wouldn't have reflected as much on the system itself. I would not have felt the pain that the outsider feels. I would not know that people can't be judged so easily and harshly. It would be easier for me to accept competition as the way of life and consider everyone who didn't measure up to be a failure. But I can't do that with my background. That would be me back in grade school feeling pain again and being trapped in a system that would not recognize me for who I truly was.
The tragedy can get started when someone is judged in a competition where their true talents are not taken into consideration. They might internalize the model of failure in their minds, when in fact it was simply the wrong competition, one that was imposed from without and over which they had no control. To return to the sports example, let's hypothesize that I had attended a school where athletics were not even practiced but the emphasis was solely on academic achievement. I imagine that a talented athlete with lots of speed and agility would be frustrated there and not be able to show his talents. He might even be ridiculed if his academic ability was not very good. He might become frustrated with life and consider himself a failure. It is not right to impose standards on people or to judge them in competitions for which they are not suited.
The good news is that once you are an adult you're free to choose the area of life that you wish to excel in. You are free to examine yourself and to determine where you talents are and to seek out situations where those talents are the ones most valued. That is the way to compete. The key is to recognize that you are the one to determine where you will compete and where you won't. You won't let others judge you and label you a failure. That's your job. You are in control of your competitions in life and you will be the one to decide whether you have won anything in life or let opportunity slip by because you let others make your important decisions for you. That's not to say that others won't be involved in judging you, of course they will. Bosses, publishers, spouses, family, etc., will all play a part. But the crucial part is of your own choosing. You need to strategize your life to make your potential felt in the world. It might be on the gridiron or it might be at a poetry reading. Don't worry if you come in contact with people who don't value your decision. They have their own lives to live and their decisions are for them alone. Don't try and imitate them or envy them or wish you were them. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are wonderful and that you are going to be true to yourself!
4. Be Considerate
There is nothing in the world that is worth losing your humanity over. There is no reason in the world for you to ever feel superior to anyone. If you meet someone, that person is just like you in countless ways. Always take others' feelings into consideration when you deal with them. Remember that they have problems and concerns and ambitions just like you have.
Some people may be rude to you. Feel sorry for them, don't get angry with them. They don't have enough inside themselves to give anything to you. They don't fully understand how the world works or, worse, how they themselves work. You do! You will be their example and you will gather the respect and love of all who know you.
Are humans really capable of holding other humans "in contempt" -- meaning beneath notice, worthless? They may act as if they feel contempt but can they actually feel contempt for others without feeling contempt for themselves?
One thing which is helpful in dealing with other people is finding activities in which there are rituals that respect the dignity of the individual. Rituals are repeated behavior which signify something even though they are done automatically and out of social necessity. I took martial arts classes (Taekwon do) for a year and I noticed after some time that I really enjoyed the constant bowing that the students did, both to the instructor and to each other. At first, it felt awkward and I was embarrassed by it. It seemed artificial and affected. But I later realized that through my physical movements I was sending a message to my brain. We think that it's only the brain that sends commands to the body, but it can work in reverse. My physical bowing gestures were beginning to change the way I thought of other people.
Unfortunately for Americans, our principal ritual is going to the sales counter and handing either money or a credit card to a store clerk. The clerk may be friendly to us but there is something missing from this ritual. The exchange is not really happening between two people. The clerk "represents" an amorphous entity called a "business." So we are having an interchange with a type of "stand-in person" who cannot really complete the ritual for us. There cannot be a meaningful bond between us.
Another favorite activity of mine is dancing and I think if everyone danced together there would be a lot more harmony in the world. Dancing is another ritual where the dignity of people is respected (Even where people dive from the stage into the audience!).
There is another problem with our culture in that it is a "hero-worshipping" culture and one that is trapped in a media circus. There is nothing wrong with holding heroes in high regard and respecting them. But how many heroes do you meet every day? How many people do you meet who are heroes to their own families and you don't even know it? Do we have to rely on the media to tell us who the heroes in our society are? What about the heroes in our own community? What about the heroes in our own family? Shouldn't we respect them as much as we do some person who has been dead for 200 years? Or do we have to wait until the person has been on television before we can respect them as a hero? I think of television like I do a circus. Sure, I think it's fun to go to a circus once in a while, but what I see there does dictate who and what I think about the world or the people in it. It's mainly entertainment. We can find something to respect in every person we meet.
I want to touch on the subject of relationships between men and women although I know that this deserves another book in itself. I remember telling a close male friend of mine about an infatuation that I had for a woman and how I had treated her as a perfect gentleman but that she seemed bored with me and the relationship never got off the ground.
"That was your mistake," said my friend. "Women like to be treated like dirt."
I thought my friend was joking at first, but he was at least half-serious. How could this be? Something is definitely missing in the way men and women communicate! What woman in her right mind would prefer an inconsiderate lout of a man to a man who treated her with kindness and respect? Is that possible? I don't know the answer to that and I don't want to chronicle a lot of stories of women or men who don't seem to know what mate is best for them. We've all heard the stories and have probably seen this happen to people we know. It's sufficient to know that we don't want this to happen to us!
I believe that respecting the person you are in a relationship with is the foundation the relationship must be built upon. Love and romance are fine and that queasy feeling in your stomach when the woman you've admired at work accepts a date with you is wonderful. But where do you go from there? What is it that one person can offer to another? Sex? Laughter? A convenient way to get out on the town and be seen by your friends? Is the person you're going out with a means to some kind of end that you selfishly hold inside yourself? Or are you really interested in that person and their lives? Are you willing to take the time to get to know the person and to take the chance that the relationship may be a friendship and not turn into a romance? Are young men taught that friendship is the greatest thing that a woman can offer them?
If you are considerate and kind to the person you are in a relationship with, you're doing the best you can. If you are listening to them and taking their concerns as your own and supporting them in their various problems in life, then you can do nothing more. Relationships are complex, and some may fail even if you are considerate to the other person. But isn't it better to know that you were always guided by this principle? Believe me, they will never forget you.
If you practice being considerate to others you'll feel much better about yourself. I had a hard time accepting rejection when I first began sending out manuscripts to publishers and literary agents many years ago. I'm ashamed to admit it now but I used to burn them in my fireplace in a sort of "anger ritual." I was so disappointed that my success hadn't been instant that I don't think I even read the letters carefully. The few that I saved from that period I've re-read and notice now that they weren't that bad. The editors and agents had been considerate of me. But I didn't have it in myself at that time of my life to realize that. I was too caught up in myself and my big plans and I didn't want to hear anything accept yes. Only yes and instant success and give me the money.
Now I respond to rejection letters and thank the individual for their time. I try and see the issue from their point of view. It's a liberating experience to see things from the point of view of others. It might not seem so at first. It takes practice. But if you can begin to be considerate of others, you will then appreciate it even more when people are considerate to you. You will begin to see that the universe is not an ugly and unfriendly place that is indifferent to you and your life. You can connect with other people and you can understand them. When you get started doing this, you will welcome the feeling that you get when you know that you have been patient and understanding and the other person has responded to it. Consideration is one of the best ways to find love in this world.
I think that dealing with rejection is one of the keys to living. It raises fundamental issues about who we think we are and what we think we need to become whole persons. If we are convinced that we need things outside ourselves or else we are losers then we have a problem. We may get some of those things but we will never be satisfied with them. We will keep wanting more and more. We will mistrust the world and constantly want it to satisfy our selfish desires. We have to outgrow the childish idea that life is about getting what we want. We can't be happy if we are simply wanting things all the time.
Life isn't about getting what we want. Do we want to be defined by our desires? Do we want to be our desires? Do we want to say to the world, "I got what I wanted, so I am somebody"? Is life just one big childish game where people scramble around for things and those that find them are happy and those that don't are miserable? Doesn't this limit us too much? What about our minds and our hearts and our ability to love other people? Would we rather just get what we want and forget everything else? If this is the case, we aren't getting anything if that's all we're getting out of life. Because we aren't anything. All we have let ourselves become is our desires. Our desires are not us. If we've convinced ourselves that they are, out of selfishness or fear, then we better sit down and rethink our plan.
If we let go of our selfish desires we can start the process of loving who we are and those around us. We can forget that we didn't win first prize but love ourselves for showing up at the contest. We can hug our friend who slipped up and didn't get the blue ribbon for her mincemeat pie and offer to help eat it. We can take our joy from being who we are rather than what we have accumulated. Then we can be open to love others. We can be free from selfishness and worry over our image and just be our own person. That is what life is about.
Many times we use the word rejection when a more apt term would be "nonselection." If I go into a store to buy a quart of milk and that's all I buy, that doesn't mean that I have "rejected" everything else in the store. Indeed, if I walk by a store without going into it, it does not mean that I reject the goods that are being offered inside. Rejection is a strong word and it should not be used when what is meant is that I had no need for an item. That describes my preference but it in no way describes the item that I have opted not to purchase. If I ask a woman out on a date and she gives me a polite refusal, am I being rejected? In many cases, no. She might not be interested in dating at that time. To use the term rejection puts too much emphasis on the idea that I have been judged and found unworthy.
Why is rejection so hard for us to accept? What is at stake for us? Why do we feel that we are lessened by it? Does it really change anything about us? Only if we let it. If we put our self-esteem on the line, then rejection will hurt. The question then is: Why was our self-esteem on the line in the first place? Is it because we ourselves are in doubt about our worth and need everyone to accept us in order for us to feel worthy? This is a different problem from one of rejection. This is a problem of self-doubt and looking to other people to buoy us in our questioning of our own value. If we don't know what we are worth or what we are capable of, we must let others tell us by either selecting us or not. But even if we are selected, no one else can convince us of our inner worth if we don't first believe it ourselves.
What does rejection have to do with being considerate? First of all we must be considerate of other people's choices and not rate them according to whether they do what we want them to do. We must allow other people to reject us as an act of consideration on our part. For ourselves, we must be considerate enough of our self-esteem not to let rejection damage it in any way. Loving ourselves, we understand that our rejection came as a result of our trying something and that we must not let it hurt our inner selves if we experience failure. There will be disappointment but there is no need for hurting yourself through self-recrimination which leads to feelings of worthlessness. Rejection happens outside of us and we don't have to let it inside of us. Keep rejections out in the cold where they belong. They don't care if they come inside or not. They have nothing for us. They just happened. Let them pass by. There will be more to come in your life but you don't have to invite them in for dinner either. Stay inside by the fire where it's warm and cozy and keep your self-esteem with you. Don't get mad at it and kick it out the door every time a rejection passes by. Loving yourself is a constant; don't just love yourself when you are successful at getting what you want.
I like the concept of "saving face," which I think we lack in our culture. I went for a "steamer" today, and the girl who made it was really happy but the steamer itself was not hot enough. I didn't complain, because I didn't want the happy girl to "lose face" with the customers behind me. I think I did the right thing.
I know there are those who feel that the almighty consumer must keep inefficiencies in line and make her comments heard to help train people. You see signs like "Tell Us About Our Driving" on commercial vehicles. Is this not just one of myriad examples of our not recognizing the dignity of our fellow people?
I think everyone should treat everyone else, even the hopelessly incompetent, with respect. I think that if your wife cooks really badly you should say that it's delicious. Or if YOU cook really badly, then your wife should praise you.
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