by Patrick Bailey
8. Be Loyal to Friends.
Your friends are the ones who will lighten your burden in the world. They will come to you when they don't know about your secret troubles and they will smile and take you into their world and share their popcorn with you. They are cozy creatures and you can take your shoes off around them and laugh. If you have good friends you have all that a person needs to be happy in this world. They will be there for you when you are up and when you are down. Try and be there for them. Try and help them to be all that they can be. Listen to them and never criticize them. They have enough people who do that. You're there to love them and they are there to love you. Be happy with your friends and cherish the time you spend with them as if it were the most precious thing in your world. It is.
Don't give your friends "tests of friendship" to see if they measure up. Don't challenge them to adhere to your wishes or lose your friendship. One can be tempted to think that friends should always agree with us, always take our side in a dispute or a planned course of action. We are surprised and hurt when a friend does not go along with the plan we might have for ourselves. After all, haven't we been supportive of them? We seek reciprocity in our friendships and feel hurt when we perceive that we are not getting what we feel we deserve as friends. But this type of "keeping the books" is more suited to accounting practices than friendship. Friendship is not something you submit to cost/benefit analysis.
If you are lucky enough to have someone who is a soulmate, a friend who touches that deep part of you that you yourself don't even understand, then you don't need practical advice on friendship. You know that it is spiritual and ethereal and is not comprised of traits, like a sense of humor, for instance. We describe our soulmate's qualities, when talking to a third party. But inside us we know that no words can describe what that person is to us.
It's important to realize that not all friendships will ever approach this level of spiritual communion. There will be plenty of friends for us who we can do things with or talk to and remain untouched in our deepest souls by them. Both parties will realize this. It's no one's fault. That deep level of friendship is a mystery. It is never forgotten. Our soul will feed off its nourishment forever, surpassing even time itself, or the passing of the friend with death.
As I've gotten older I've heard myself saying, "Boy, that friend of mine sure has changed since we were in college together." I once said this to another friend of mine and he replied, "Don't forget that you've changed a lot yourself." I was taken aback by that remark. But after thinking it over, I realized that my friend was indeed right. I had changed a lot. It's just that we don't always see the changes in ourselves as well as we see the changes in others. We live from day to day and we have this feeling that we never really change who we are. We may change our circumstances, but we have the same "feeling" about ourselves. I had thought that I was the one constant in my world and that everyone else kept changing all the time!
9. Work Hard
Your will is your strongest asset -- use it for improving your life and accomplishing your goals. A will without work is like a super-charged engine without any gasoline. You can turn it on and rev it up but it won't do anything. You can take it apart and look at it and make sure it's in good working order but sooner or later you have to put fuel into it and that's what work is. Work is the fuel that your will runs on. Your will is powerful but you must feed it by working. If you work your will on the world then you can succeed in life.
From the novel Martin Chuzzlewit by Charles Dickens: "Some people likened him to a direction-post, which is always telling the way to a place and never goes there." It's important to remember that words help us to sort through our thoughts and are what separate us from the animal kingdom. But words are not enough. We must act on them. This is where they get their true power, when we can act on them and then think about our actions and evaluate the results. This is the two-pronged campaign of your life; your thoughts and your actions. Both are necessary and both must be in harmony and in active engagement.
As a writer I sometimes think that I am not in the right "mood" to write. I slip into the idea that work is something that should come naturally and that I should only work when I "feel like it." There are sufficient outside constraints on this notion (like bills to pay) for me to overcome this tempting idea. But, let my posit for a moment that I am independently wealthy and never have to work again to support myself. Should I then only work when I felt like it?
It gets us to the core idea of work and what it is and what it means to the self. If work is simply to pay my bills, then if I don't need to worry about bills, I would be a foolish masochist to work. But if work is more to me, if it defines more of my life than my checkbook, then I have to see if that need would go away with a lot of money. I thought briefly of filling out a grant proposal to a federal agency to study the effects of "receiving a fortune," to the average person's need to work. I would have volunteered to be the subject of the study and would have promised to take copious notes. And even write a book about it. But I don't know if that grant would have been approved and besides I can write the book without it. I know I would continue to write even if I didn't have to. I would seek to be published even if I didn't need the money.
Some people have jobs that they certainly would not continue to do if they received a fortune from out of the sky. If you have one of those jobs you already know the answer to the question, "Would you quit if you won the lottery?" If I might offer an answer, "Yes, I would quit my present job and get the job I always wanted, putting my talents to work!" You can't guide an object which isn't moving. You need to be working on your life to find the guidance you need for it. The movement will generate energy and the energy will enable you to find answers that you could never have found if you were like that statue of the thinking man who sits in one place with his head in his hands. I'd like to tell that statue to get up, put some clothes on, and get out into the world, you lunkhead!
When I say "work hard," I don't mean just work up a sweat at whatever you happen to have to do to make a living. I don't put all the emphasis on the ability to drive yourself to do superhuman labors. I don't mean 14-hour days where you have nothing left for your family or your own pursuits. That's not my ideal of working hard or putting your will to maximum benefit. Working hard only makes sense if you know what you are doing it for. You may have to work hard at your job to support your family or even just yourself. It's necessary sometimes but it's not my ideal. I think of working hard in the context of realizing your potential as a person. I think of getting something out of what you put in besides just a paycheck. I think of personal growth and the ability to influence others and make a difference in the world, even if that world is just the people you come in contact with.
Ironically working really hard in the wrong way is actually a detriment to realizing your potential. If you are using work as an escape from who you really are, if you are utilizing the positive feedback from your work to cover the inadequacies inside yourself, then working hard is an obstacle. If you are working hard so you don't have to spend time thinking about who the hell you really are, then working hard is not the answer by itself.
We confine our definition of work as that activity we do for productive purposes for which we are rewarded. Working really hard at being a good human being is not considered work. Working really hard at understanding what it is that you want to contribute to the world is not work. Working really hard at your relationships is not considered work. Yet all these things are very important to who you become in life. They all deserve to be worked hard at. You may not get a pay envelope at the end of the week for doing these things but there will be other rewards. The main one might just turn out to be that you figure out how to live your life and how to form relationships with others.
10. Love Yourself
It's not whether we get what we want that is important; it's how we treat ourselves in the process of life that will dominate us. We spend a lot of time worrying about whether other people love us or whether we are lovable at all. We try and be attractive and we try and be witty and we give parties and presents and do everything we can think of to get other people to like us. What do you do for yourself? If you are too busy getting others to love you, how will you have time to love yourself? Take some time each day and talk it over with yourself. Have you lived up to your value system that day? Have you been kind to a friend that day? Do you respect the effort that you have put into the day? Have you done the best that you can? If you have, admire and love yourself for it.
It doesn't matter if the person down the street appreciates what a rough time you've had and how you've managed to keep yourself together. That person has his own troubles. But you know what you are doing. If you are working hard and adhering to your values, then love yourself for it! Be good to yourself for it and treat yourself to something that you like. I don't care if you're on a diet and you want ice cream. Have some! You aren't going to live forever. Enjoy the moments when you have the feeling of well-being that comes from following your values. That's what being alive is.
There been a lot written over the problem of the narcissistic personality. This syndrome is said to occur in a person who cannot feel empathy for others and is trapped in a cycle of self-absorption. The narcissist is said to have only one agenda and that is to enhance his image of himself at the expense of whomever he pleases.
The problem is not the love of self. Loving yourself is healthy and mandatory for a positive frame of mind. The problem is one of love and who is able to give it and who is not. The greatest gift that any person can possess is the ability to truly love another person. This isn't just saying the words, or sending the cards or supporting with money. This means that the person can love another being as he loves himself. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and I encourage you to develop that thought in your mind and hold it close. You'll need it when the world crashes down on your dream now and then. But it's true that this love of self must be an empathetic love.
Don't love yourself because you hate the sight of your neighbor or your coworker or because you're just stuck with yourself and it's the only self you've got. That's not why you should love yourself. Love yourself because you are seeking to understand and nurture the best self that you can be. You are taking active steps to be a good person and love yourself for that effort. Look in the mirror and say "I love myself," every morning. Then it's not a psychological syndrome, it's being in tune with yourself and what you want to become.
There is a practical reason for getting in the habit of loving yourself. It's the best antidote I know of for dealing with rejection. If you get a professional rejection like not getting a job you really wanted, it's a letdown and it can make you doubt yourself. Someone has seen your best and they have said "Not interested." Ouch. How can you respond to that? It happens to me all the time as a professional writer. I used to have to write in the morning because after getting my mail (which almost always included some rejection letter) I felt doubtful about my writing ability and didn't want it to creep into my current writing project. I have taught myself to almost welcome those kinds of rejections. They immediately trigger the "love myself" button that I have programmed. I tell myself how wonderful I am to be so persistent in doing what I love to do. I mentally "hug myself" with joy that I'm strong enough to continue with what I believe is right for myself.
A personal rejection is even worse. You might ask a woman out that you have been friends with and she responds that she has no desire to go out with you, though she'll probably put it in a nicer way than that. This time it's not just your professional self that has been rejected but your personal self. You might find it hard to smile at her the next time you see her. You might hurt a little inside. You might have the tendency to try and downgrade her wonderfulness in your mind so as to dull the pain of rejection. She is still wonderful and so are you! The fact that she didn't want to go out with you is not a sign that you are unattractive or unlovable or anything else. You expressed an interest and she responded. That's life. It doesn't mean that something has been "lost" or "ruined" by the exchange. You are still you. Nothing has been taken away from you. You aren't less of a person now. It's not that we only have so much "worth" that we spend each time we get rejected until we're hopelessly bankrupt and left to be a pitiable wretch who was just "rejected too many times." That's the wrong model that you have created in your mind. You have endless talent and potential that is only limited by your desire and will to use it. Rejections don't take anything away from that. Rejections are just invitations for you to love yourself a little more for trying.
People want to love. People want to love others. People want to love the world. It's written down in lots of places that this is the true meaning of life. But what does it really mean to love other people and to love the world? What does it mean to love yourself? Is love something that we have to will to do or is it a gift that we get from somewhere? If we have a hard time loving other people, is something wrong with us?
Love is a gift. Love is out there but we have to know what to do with it and how to cultivate it within ourselves. It's not like an appetite that we feel and then we satisfy. It is beyond the sensual realm. It is part of our spiritual life. Love is not lust and it is not wanting someone to build us up. Love is something that transcends the needs of the body and the ideas of the mind. It is why we are here and it is the only way that we will ever feel that we belong here.
If we feel love in our hearts it's the same thing as knowing why we exist and being glad that we exist. For love. To be the object of love is very meaningful to us but to be the one who loves, the one who puts out the energy and the one who guides the stream of love is what we really need. We need to be giving love to others and to ourselves. That becomes our identity, our being a source of love in the world becomes the reason why we were born.
11. Stand Up for Yourself
A person needs a strong foundation and that foundation must be inside you. You can't expect anyone to respect you if you don't really "exist" as a person, but only as a reflection of what others might think of you. Your identity is your responsibility and you are entitled to create it, to frame it and to embellish upon it as you see fit. No one else has anything to do with your identity. After all that's what you are! So, be firm about that. You are what you say you are. If anyone tells you what you are, ignore them. You push yourself into the world and you're a neat little package of your own making. Tie yourself up in a ribbon of your own choosing! Your friends will welcome you.
I once had a piano teacher who intimidated me. He would make passing comments about my life that didn't have anything to do with the piano. A piano lesson is a rather tense environment to begin with, having to perform on command and being worried about being corrected over something. (Whole books have been written over the subject of piano teacher/student relations and I think it's a large universe unto itself but I can't go into it here.) I would dutifully listen to my teacher's comments, even about my private life or my religion, and I was so worried over performing that I had no "mental space" left to object to some of his comments. I didn't want to alienate him since I really wanted to learn how to play and he was so good at it. I was beginning to accept him not just as my piano teacher but as my "life instructor"!
There is nothing wrong with respecting someone like your piano teacher. They deserve respect; the piano is a complex instrument and to command it well enough to teach others inspires awe in me. To this day, if anyone tells me they are a piano teacher, I look at them in silent admiration wondering how they got so smart and talented. But it's one thing to respect and admire someone and another to let that person intimidate you or even influence you in ways that are not part of the subject at hand.
It's sometimes tricky to know where the boundaries are in a situation like this. What if your doctor tells you to quit smoking? Is that being intrusive into your civil rights as an individual and citizen? No, your doctor in entrusted with your health care and she is correct in pointing out that you should quit smoking. (I have often told doctors that I smoke, but none has ever told me to quit. I think perhaps doctors nowadays err to far on the side of "impartiality" as it relates to their patient's private lives and decisions. On the other hand, I don't think that any doctor would think that any of her patients didn't already know that smoking is harmful. Doctors understand that nagging doesn't work. If nagging worked, there would be Nagging Clinics all over the United States!)
You must remain at the controls of your life and take the responsibility that goes with that. Of course, you listen to the advice and counsel of others. Yes, you accept good advice and act on it. As long as it is clear to you that you are the one making the decision and that you are not just doing it to keep someone else happy or to avoid their disapproval.
There are two basic ways of approaching the fact that you are an individual in a large world. You can feel powerless or you can feel that you have lots of advantages over the world which is somewhat haphazard and not as focused as you are. There are compelling reasons for both philosophies. If you concentrate on all the things that you cannot control, it's inevitable that you will feel powerless and your attitude about life will be passive and resigned. If instead you concentrate on using your will and developing your considerable talents, then you will bring to the world a focused energy that will enable you to make a contribution and feel connected to the world. The world is the world regardless of which philosophy you adopt, but your place in the world depends on which philosophy you can make your own belief.
H.G. Wells said, "To forget yourself in greater interests is to escape from a prison." The talent you have is to be used on the world, not just on yourself. It's not something to just make you feel good and satisfied about yourself without doing anything with it. This talent in you is to be used to make the world better and to improve the lives of the people around you. You share the talent with others through your actions which are guided by your values.
The problem of doubting one's self is at the root of the desire to escape from one's self into fantasies or unrealistic myths about what you should be. Doubt is a function of thought. Without the ability to doubt things you would not be able to form sound judgments. This is why thinking alone cannot be a pathway to a successful life. Thinking is replete with doubts which remain "active" because they are not tested in the real world. The only way doubts can be suppressed is to live your life and overcome them through action. A doubt is a possibility.
A doubt is what might happen. A doubt is whether or not your relationship with someone can withstand a greater commitment. If all you do is think about it, the doubt can never be erased. It will be eternal because you have created it but never tested it by living.
Some people accrue so many doubts by thinking and not acting that their doubts begin to define their very sense of themselves. They begin to think that the world in fact consists of nothing but doubts. They cannot trust the world and so they cannot trust themselves. Every possible thing that they might want is riddled with doubts about its possible failure. Eventually they are convinced that they don't truly want anything. It's too doubtful to want things which might not work out in the real world. Doubt becomes a heavy thing, a weight, an immobilizing force that permeates any hope of change or a better future.
I don't care how many things you doubt in the world as long as you don't doubt yourself. There is no need to think that you have to be able to predict the future in order to have confidence in yourself. You aren't God. No decision you make is guaranteed to be the best possible solution for you or the people around you. You have to learn to live with that. You can't be a perfectionist in the decision-making realm of your life. You can't wait until there are no doubts about something before you do it. You'll never do it if you do. And then you'll doubt if never doing it was the right thing not to do. Doubt will never leave you and you have to learn to live in spite of it.
I suggest that you separate your self from any doubt about anything. Don't let doubts stick to you like Velcro. They will eventually cover your entire self-concept with the mucky mire of all the past doubts you've had. Get out the blowtorch and burn those doubts off your self-image. They don't belong there. They are supposed to be temporary thoughts but they like to hang about and cling to you even after they've outlived their usefulness. Doubts are useful when making decisions. After you have acted on your decision, forget the doubts. They don't have a purpose any more. Even if it turns out that your doubts about a decision turn out to be well-founded, you must remember that the function of the doubt is now past. You acted and now you learn from your actions. You don't think that because your doubts turned out to be true that this means you can never act again if you have any doubts. That's not how the system works. What if you made a decision after not having any doubts and it turned out to be a bad one. Would you then think that you can only do things when you doubt their success? Of course not. Do not take take yourself to task over decisions this way. You aren't an all-knowing being and you never will be. Don't pretend that you are. Don't wish to be such a thing. Be a human being instead.
Be strong and don't hide from life. Most of us can't physically hide from our world but many people can shut out life as they mentally disengage from what is going on around them. There are times for this. Grief is a time of shutting out the world so we can begin to heal, and then understand ourselves better. We all need our rest and vacations. I don't mean that you have to be intense and worried all the time. I mean that you must couple the belief in yourself with the connectedness you need with other people and stir up that pot and get your strength from it.
Don't feel isolated and misunderstood even though they will be times when you will be. We can all be crybabies once in a while when we do our best and get nothing in return. We can feel like our efforts have been unrecognized. There are probably efforts by others around us that we have failed to recognize from time to time. No one is perfect and the world isn't either. It's important not to solve every problem but to believe that you can deal with any problem, even those that you can't seem to solve. If you are resilient then you don't need to win every time. If you love yourself, you don't have to be loved by every person that you get acquainted with. It's what's in you that matters over the long haul. Getting knocked around a little is good for a person. It gives us a chance to see that the world can be an impersonal and cold place. All the more reason for us to love ourselves as hard as we possibly can and to love and cherish those who we share our lives with. Then our world is bright and good and nothing can change that.
To go Next